From the President
On the 4th of July, my family attended a local program that included a reading of the Declaration of Independence. I was spellbound as actors portraying Ben Franklin and Alexander Hamilton explained to the rest of the world why our congress felt compelled to declare independence from England. The declaration is impressive even without the benefit of professional oratory. Use the link above to see for yourself.
It's been too nice outside to work, and yet we must.
To do us both a favor, this month's newsletter has just one article--the central point of which is that written communication has limited value in building relationships.
You're probably sitting in front of the computer right now--alone. When you finish the newsletter, pick up the phone and call someone who hasn't heard from you for a while. Or stroll over to reconnect with a colleague. You'll be glad you did.
See you in September!
Sincerely,
Pam Pound
In this issue
The wayside of business is full of brilliant men who started out with a spurt and lacked the stamina to finish. Their places were taken by patient and unshowy plodders who never knew when to quit. J.R. Todd
between the lines: How to leverage the power of non-verbal communication
In ancient Rome, communication was a visceral experience--something that you could actually see, feel, or touch. Language professor John D. Peters explains that the Latin word "communicatio" referred to the giving or exchange of tangibles rather than the discussion of abstract concepts.
It makes perfect sense, then, that modern studies about effective communication conclude that 55% of our impact results from body language and only 7% from the words that we speak or write. The remaining 38% of effective communication flows from our tone of voice which, like body language, is a physiological phenomenon.
In other words, "what we feel" trumps "what we hear" 93% of the time. Our visceral reaction to the experience ultimately defines the message we take in. This occurs instantly and primarily in the subconscious.
At those times when we're at a loss for words, we see clearly that words are relatively unimportant. We can communicate anger with a glare, compassion with a hug, and joy with a high-five.
Whether you're trying to make a sale, deliver bad news, or just get acquainted with a new friend, the first step in connecting effectively is to elicit that positive visceral reaction. Face to face, you can do this without opening your mouth. In phone calls, your primary tools will be voice tone and modulation.
Here are seven suggestions for helping you create powerful and productive connections with the people you meet:
(1) Make eye contact
Eye contact communicates to another person that you've noticed him, and most of us love to be the center of positive attention. If it's true that the eyes are the window to the soul, eye contact puts you on the fast track to a very powerful visceral connection.
Recognize that many people are uncomfortable with sustained eye contact. After you've acknowledged the person with a look and a smile, let him decide whether or not to hold or revisit that connection.
(2) Clear the deck of distractions--especially when you're communicating by phone.
It's so tempting to multi-task during phone calls. We drive. We read emails. We doodle. We look for things on our desks. And we notice when the person on the other end of the line is doing the same.
Distracted conversations send the unconscious yet very clear message that the other person in not worthy of our full attention.
(3) Match and mirror body language
"Matching" means that you copy one or more of the following physical attributes: posture, gestures, breathing, and tone of voice. If they're standing, you stand. If they're sitting, you sit. If they're smiling, you smile.
"Mirroring" is similar, except that the goal is to have your movement play out as if it were in a mirror. So, if the other person crosses her right leg over the left, you would cross the left leg over the right.
Most of us feel pretty uncomfortable when we're sitting down and another person is standing nearby talking down to us. The immediate visceral reaction is a feeling of "being little." So, to relieve the discomfort and level the playing field, we'll either stand up ourselves or invite the other person to sit down.
The same principle works with more subtle matching and mirroring techniques.
Start noticing other people in conversation and how their body language reflects or detracts from rapport. You will begin to see possibilities that you can try yourself.
One easy and relatively safe matching option is posture. If your conversation partner is sitting forward in the chair, sit forward. If she's leaning back, sit back. Notice the difference in rapport when you don't match the posture. With practice, you'll find that it's increasingly harder NOT to match and mirror.
The watchwords for these techniques are "low key" and "restrained." Pick your places. Don't overtly mimic gestures. Use variations on a theme. Take your time. The goal is to be natural, relaxed, and subtle.
(4) Adjust the voice to match your partner
The voice "toolkit" includes tone, tempo, pitch, inflection, and volume. If your partner speaks quickly and crisply, trying picking up your tempo to match their style. Slow down for people with a drawl. Tone down inflections, story-telling, and "drama" for the analytical types.
You don't need to change every aspect of your delivery to be effective.
The ability to match tone of voice is extremely important when you're using the phone to communicate. When body language is out of play, your voice tone and modulation--and, of course, the absence of distractions--define the level of rapport you can create.
Take a moment to listen to your current voicemail message. Does your tone of voice create the image and energy that you want to convey?
(5) Match first and then lead elsewhere
If you are unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of a loud or angry tirade, your ultimate goal is to ratchet down the level of tension. Matching a loud and angry voice won't get you there. It's more likely to exacerbate the problem.
What you can and should match is the emotional intensity behind the anger, so that the other person senses that you understand he's upset. You may speak faster or slightly louder than you normally would. You may dramatically say, "Oh no!" or "I can see that this has been upsetting!" If you're in a face-to-face situation, you can also match and mirror breathing, gestures, and posture.
Once you're in rapport with the other person, you'll find that he will unconsciously follow along when you use your body language and voice to move the conversation to a calmer plane.
(6) When the relationship is important, don't put it in writing
I have no doubt that every person with a computer has experienced writing an email message that was misunderstood and which ultimately threatened a relationship. Each of us interprets every word differently. So, my joke or teasing comment may be your scathing insult.
Use written documents for information and necessary documentation. Don't "prove your case" or attempt to repair relationships by writing emails and memos.
(7) Make your own words and body language congruent
Nothing sets off warning bells faster than body language that does not match the message content. At a recent social event, someone approached me for conversation and then proceeded to look around the room while we were talking. I felt uncomfortable and disconnected, so I moved on.
Psychologists tell us that certain gestures and posture are commonly interpreted as follows:
Body Language Interpretation
Posture erect, brisk walk Confidence
Tilted head Interest
Hands clasped behind back Anger, frustration, apprehension
Eyes downcast Boredom
Fiddling with hair Insecurity
Involuntary eye movements Uncertainty
Roving eyes Distraction
Arms crossed on chest Defensiveness/wariness
Rubbing hands Anticipation
For more examples of body language cues, visit The Non-Verbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs, and Non-Verbal Cues. You'll learn such interesting tidbits as "Jurors may unwittingly point their feet away from attorneys with whom they disagree, in an unconscious preparation to walk away," and "It is often possible to identify the most powerful (i.e., the highest status) person seated at a conference table by the greater number of torsos aimed in his or her direction."
As you experiment with the power of non-verbal communication, be aware that, while it takes two to play, you can start the action at will. Initiate a shift that increases rapport--for example, match or mirror posture--and notice how much more connected you feel. Your partner will pick up the same vibes.
Try some of these suggestions with your spouse, kids, and friends as you build your awareness and competence. Then enjoy the powerful connections you create.
Pinnacle Success Partners, Inc. helps business owners, executives, and professionals maintain build relationships that build business. Call 708-651-2483 to request a complimentary consultation or send us a message.
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Under construction: Lawyer and accountant confidential roundtable
We are partnering with Wayne Landt, Principal of Ravenswood Partners, to host an exclusive confidential forum for Chicago-based accountants, lawyers, and other professionals who advise privately-held companies.
Invited participants will have the opportunity to interact with experts on a wide range of practice-building topics, all with a focus on:
(1) growing and running a successful practice
(2) juggling multiple business and personal priorities
(3) developing a reputation as a "go-to" strategic partner whose advice and counsel is in demand
(4) working collaboratively and confidentially with other talented professionals to find solutions to shared business challenges.
If you have valuable perspective to share with the group we are forming--or if you know someone whom we should consider inviting to participate--please email us at info@pinnaclesuccesspartners.com
Pinnacle Success Partners, Inc. helps professionals achieve extraordinary business results. Call 708-651-2483 to request a complimentary consultation or send us a message.
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